My love got married

Yes, my ex-boyfriend got married. Moved on. Happy. Secure.

And then I wrote him an email on how I was happy for him. I really was. She looks cute and more than that his eyes showed happiness. The eyes never lie. Never. Was I stupid? Probably was.

He is happy. Thats the bottom line.

…

…

I fucking still love him…

After five years, I still love him.

He doesn’t miss me. Doesn’t think of me. But I do. I try not to many times. And I had succeeded for all these years. Moving on.

But today when I saw their picture. There was this pinch in my heart and then the flood of pain.

I went home and sat on my bed. And just cried.

Cried for the love I had for him but can’t give him.

Cried for the feelings of missing him.

Cried for the good memories that I couldn’t have again.

Cried for his hugs and kisses and his love he had for me.

Cried for everything we had but didn’t have anymore.

Just cried.

And.. maybe one day I’ll be true to what I lied to him that I have moved on, made peace with it.

Bye my love.

Bad Day at Work

Today wasn’t a very good day at work. The guy let’s call him, the bastard. I hate him. A lot. He is perfect example of a man who takes pleasures on the gains of others. A real profit stealer. He deliberately doesn’t train you enough and then pushes you to work on it and then blames you for the missed mistakes and makes you rework a hundred times while belittling you the whole time. He licks the ass of the onshore boss and she fucking loves him for that. And the day, I honestly complain about him being an arrogant incompetent selfish prick that he is, her attitude changes towards me. And she starts neglecting my achievements and goes on with the bastard proudly like he is doing a wonderful job. Like hell he is!! He doesn’t even evolve me in work calls and expects me to know ! How the fuck would I know ? If you personally leave me out of the topic. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have complained, she was great with me until then. But now, she is not. And there is this new girl that’s come in, she is friendly and smart. But today, she spoke on call on something she wasn’t fully aware about the topic ( and she is a week old) she was wrong on the call, I actioned her to stop, she took the hint. Sometimes I feel, I must tell her to ask me first before telling to the stakeholders, but I wonder if she will feel offended. She is a level up than me. I am getting frustrated thinking, she is smart enough to do my work better than me and get praised than me. I feel insecure and anxious. I got the work that the bastard rejected, it’s a new role. But I’m still frustrated. I’ll probably move next year. I’m feeling really bad about what I’m going through at work.

20 Feb 2024

It’s 11:30 PM

Night is young but heart is old

I miss you, the one I’m waiting for

I have no idea whom I’m waiting for

But I shouldn’t, right? I shouldn’t wait for someone to save me.

What is there to be saved? Or maybe someone to open my heart out?

I always told myself stop waiting, stop thinking about someone to save you, to fill you up.

You should be doing that by yourself

But I tried… I can’t help it.

I miss the unknown

Beautiful smile

You’re so beautiful

I love your smile

I love your voice

I love everything about you

She said

And he smiled

She knew what he was thinking

She never asked and walked away

And he stood there, never once calling out her name

Not once stopping her

She knew what he was thinking, so she walked. Walked without looking back.

He just didn’t know what to think, she knew that.

The neighbour opened the door, hearing her footsteps

So how did it go? She asked hopefully with cheerful eyes.

She looked at her and gave a sad smile

What happened? She sighed, feeling bad for her.

He likes me.

Really? So what’s the problem? She asked

I love him.

I love him.

I love him. She said three times

And she was done waiting…

Warmth

Took you in my soft spot

Right under my chin

Your hair against my cheek

Smells like fresh peppermint

Our legs tangled closer than ever

My cold fingertips caressing gently

Feels electrifying by every Fiber

Against your smooth skin warmly

Your small feet searching a space beneath my sole, To cover the cold.

Your head pushing further into me

Fixing each other like in a mold

The sound of thunder bothers you

You flinch at the sound of it

And I worry more than you

Like two pieces of jigsaw we fit

You ask me, “can I stay like this for sometime?”

And I say, “Stay forever”

I’d give anything for this, every last dime

Would I stop staring at you, Never.

Take me in your arms, you say

your warmth makes me alive and free

I will be with you no matter what may

A fire no one sees but me

The rain keeps you with me

I pray it never stops

Can’t help but smile at your cute dimple on your knee.

Your small feet with those cute socks

When can I be with you like this

As time passes, I smile and wonder

Whom will you miss?

Me or the dog, chowder ?

Your laugh makes me smile

Your eyes twinkle with every candy you eat

Groaning while walking at every step of the mile

I laugh, wishing love every time we meet

I want the time to stop

On this rainy day

Because you’ll be with me

Honey, I’ll be with you

No matter what may.

30/08/2022

“Maybe one day I’ll look at the shore and everything will be alright.”

Days these days go so fast yet so slow. I am scared, my heart pounds so loud sometimes that I can hear it in my ears even while the noise outside is unbearable.

I got a new job. A new role. Something I have never done before. It’s nerve wreaking. I don’t know how long I would be able to last. But I would like to last in it until few years.

Someone dear has left to a different country and someone special who had been lost has come into my life again. It’s a mixed feeling but it makes me feel more happy.

Now that I have more special hearts in my one small sad heart. I feel strong again.

Things have started changing rapidly. And I’m seeing it every single day and it just makes me want it more.

I had less suicidal thoughts, But sometimes I do feel in the dark hole. But I guess, I’m getting better in climbing out of it.

One step at a time. Sometimes I think life is only justified if you live under your own control but emotional attachment makes us bend rules for others.

I hope the life I have planned for the next years goes smoothly without any shocks. I would welcome surprises.

I want to fall in love again. Not get scared of it. Like I was all these years. One person can change you, make you doubt your life, your happiness but why does that one person has the right to do that? You can control your own life, right? Maybe now I’ll not let that one person change the good things in me. Maybe now I’ll just be.

One day at time.

Sunshine

You came in my life suddenly

As a colourful confusing scribble

In my black and white book

It was a breath of fresh air finally

Taking my frowns and turning them into smiles without a look.

You turned my world upside down entirely

Maybe I needed that to see that life is lived like that, not heading in a flock.

You smiled at my baddest days, poured love on my sadness truly.

We talked and talked, sometimes laughed and bitched days and nights no matter what time on the clock.

Some days were bad and some were worse.

But honey you were always there to save me by the block.

I know mistakes were made, silences emerged with hate, swears and curses.

Surprises and shock.

But I would do anything to go back and hug you and say, bestie it’s not over.. it’s never over, whenever we talk.

Somethings never go away, no matter what.

Our childhood has tied us together, our red thread might have severed but still tied us together.

Don’t worry, I’ll return to you wherever you flock.

We have grown up the hard way

But remember whenever you need me, just Open the door, I’ll be standing there while I knock.

You’re my best friend and always will be.

My colourful beautiful scribble in my black and white book. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Adi. This is for you… I love you 💕

Wake up

You’re the promise, I never kept.
seen your heart, I never dare.
thought you were on the sun riding to me.
But felt like rain when you hit me.
Thinking of times when you touched me
Fire and Ice, absorbed us unlike others
you went through me.