Happie friendship day !

Adi! Happy Happy!

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Can you hear me ?

Can you hear me?

With the sounds of waves and the wind across us.

Can you hear me?

The voice of my heart and the thoughts in my head.

Can you hear me ?

Loud insecurities bundled into one , thrown out of the window.

Can you hear me?

Loads of anger and guilt tied into a big ball and bounced it off my feet

Can you hear me ?

Of course you can’t. Because I told you not to.

Things told to someone can’t be heard unless you let it in.

Depression

The first time I saw it’s face was when I was 17 years old. I struggled. Until I couldn’t take it. So I called my mom to help me. Eventually with immense effort from my mom and dad, I overcame that.

It is necessary to talk. To anyone you think will trust and help you. You don’t have to suffer. Don’t struggle until it’s too late.

I thought I overcame that and will never see it’s face after I left Bangalore.

But it came crashing down one month ago again. And I didn’t know what to do. I had to talk. Just talk. Let it out.

Depression isn’t easy to identify. It creeps under smilies and laughs. You won’t notice it like a physical disease. I used to wake up with panic attacks and anxiety which was so painful. It was just fear. I don’t know what fear. But just fear and anxiety, it was worse that being dead. I really don’t wanna remember those days. I shiver remembering. I have fought many battles but this one was the toughest. Silence. Loneliness are some of the things that make it worse. I have stopped talking. But I am fighting it everyday. Slowly and steadily.

It’s easy to hide it and even harder to express it. You can’t express the feelings. It can’t be expressed. It has to be understood which makes it so much harder.

It tags people as weak and failure which worsens the situation even more.

You need love, care and understanding.

You don’t need accusations and blames.

You need to pull you even when they push you away. You need support, an understanding person to tell you it’s gonna be alright.

All you think is a blank slate with negative thoughts until its too late – Last stage is giving up your life.

I understand, I was there my self. Until the last. I tried too.

Keep telling yourself – you are enough. The world needs you. It will make a difference if you die. You are not worthless. You are beautiful. People love you. You are important.

Im struggling my self and I will overcome it again.

You aren’t alone.

I told him to go away

I talked shit

Random things.

Spoke in an unkind and rude way.

Just to hurt him and make him go away.

I want him to hate me.

Spoke in the most senseless way, nothing connected.

Because if i spoke the real way, I wouldn’t be able to live up to.

I would lose a whole new family just for him. And I would do that.

But this time I want him to hate me and remember me that way. So that he doesn’t come back nor will I.

Sometimes it is necessary to pretend. Its the best way. For the better.

He didn’t even realise, I wasn’t me. It was just things I spoke to keep him away and never take me back even if he wants to.

To make him angry. To never like me back. To never ever remember me.

Miss me ?

Him : Do you miss me ?

Me : Yes. Every single day. Every single time. My mind flies to those memories and I smile, later i think what happened after and my smile fades away.

I do miss you. A lot. But….you also gotta do the right thing. Right?

Him : Yes.

Me : Hm.

Like you

When someone asked me out today. I didn’t feel anything. No excitement. And I vividly remember that the last time I was asked on a date I was so happy and excited and giggling with imaginary thoughts in my head. Always fucking smiling.

But today I felt like.. I don’t know.. Just an silent feeling. I think when you give your all to someone and when that person rips your heart out and crushes it. It leaves a scar. Its like you have been hurt so much that you have nothing more to give. How much ever you try you won’t be able to love like you did before. You just become more resisted I guess. More away from drama and all the bullshit.

I told him maybe next time. And this time I didn’t feel anything.