“Sometimes the one asking for forgiveness is more hurting than the hurt one.”
I was child. Small child, when sudden evil things happened to me. And I acted like a child. Not to forget, a single child who loved her parents but also scared to offend them by the principles they had set.
I always thought whatever come may, this one person will be my constant – So I was free. Free like an insane person. She saw my childish crazy behaviour but with my demons as well. And I didn’t care. At least I didn’t care then.
And suddenly there were boundaries, anger, assumptions, hurt and I acted like a child.
Not victimizing myself, nor putting the blame on others. Yes, I did it. I played with fire and burned myself and her too.
She then walked out.
And I stood there, still peeking my head above, still unsure on how could she leave. I didn’t believe at first because – How could she go? We were best friends. Soul mates. We were gonna be buried together.
And I sat there alone, still looking at the way she went, knowing that she will come back and find me here.
But she didn’t. She didn’t come back.
The sudden silence slowly turned into panic and anxiety and I started running. Running to catch her, but she was long gone. The one belief I had within myself was broken. How could I do anything now? No one was there with me.
Few years passed, and I made few friends again, this time didn’t show my demons but just a tinge of my crazy behaviour and genuinely be good. It didn’t have the same feeling, I had for her. But I had something…and that had to be enough.
And out of nowhere, I see her again, with another. Like the way we were. Soul mates. Best friends. And my heart cringed. It squeezed it’s life out, that feeling wasn’t great. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks.
I know it was my mistake. I know it was my fault, but you weren’t supposed to leave. You promised.
She looked at me and asked, “How have you been ?”
I said, “Just the way you left me, but got a lot more sense”
She gave a rare look, “Good, I have moved on. So, I forgive you.”
I smiled, “I don’t think you have.”
She frowned in anger, “You hurt me! You fought with me! You did everything! So I don’t care about what you feel or what you care. I am just done with you, I have moved on. And I’ve forgiven you.”
I looked at her with tears, “Yea, I did. I did it. But I came running back to you every single time. I begged for your forgiveness every single time, I wasn’t perfect, I was far from it but you promised to be with me whatever may. But you left..”
She stood in anger, “Why should I forgive you all the fucking time and get hurt ? Enough is enough. You did this. So be it.”
I smiled as my tears flowed down, “Yea.. I did this, Hurt you. But I also loved you like crazy. Isn’t it ?”
She stood there in silence.
“I loved you like a mad person, no one was there for me. It was all you. You showed me how to be myself and get up if I failed. You had many friends, But me. I had just you. Only you. Yes, I fought, I acted like a child. But I came back. I always came back. But You..
You abandoned me. “
“What about that, huh?” I cried as she looked at me.
“And you know what, I am not jealous or anything.. I am just sad because I had it and I blew it and now someone else is standing with you which should have been me, So Yea, I am wrong and You’re right. And I am happy for you really, I am. Just a bit sad. “
She had tears too.
“But even though I have grown up, there would be a part of me that I would be scared to show to anyone because of what happened with us, I don’t have the strength anymore. Not after us. So once i leave, that part is gonna perish here, with you. “
And I walked away, feeling terrible but I had to walk away.