Shutdown

Trust broken

Heart hurt

Eyes Teary

Soul tired

Mind weak

Mouth numb

Attitude fucked up

Better Alone Always.

You hear that? Always. Repeat it in your mind until you get it. Don’t be a dumb bitch now. Fuck him, her, everyone, everything.

Happiness

I think happiness is very one dimensional. Happiness isn’t something or someone. Happiness is in us. We just need to see it. The ability to see happiness.

A sky jumper feels happiness when he sky dives, so does the silent Buddhist in meditation.

When we start seeing happiness within us. We feel happy. We go around looking for happiness when the irony is that it’s within us. In us.

In life, how much ever you try, something will miss out. You can’t do everything. So whatever you’re doing and where ever you are, enjoy that, yea?

Don’t worry about missing out something awesome because what you have felt and seen, is more awesome because…. Only you have felt it in such a way. You felt happiness.

So enjoy and see what you fail to see around the world.

Aayat

listening to this song,

I felt a pinch in my heart

thinking that, I almost said something that could change everything

The pure heart had started beating again

The faded lips had started smiling again

The eyes had started showing excitement again

The mind had started thinking about good future memories

The feet had started dancing to old love songs

The waist had started getting more cautions

The body had started getting fitter

The waterline of the eyes had started having eyeliners

The lips had started becoming rosy

The cheeks had started blushing

But it was ruined, under the dust it ran over her

the morning had become duller, so the nights had become longer

Why does is happen, sometimes when you live again in love, it doesn’t happen?

Why does it feel like the fear will one day take over love?

Why does it feel like it was better to not know you one day and not remember you one fine day than expect to see you in my closed eyes?

Why do you deserve so much value?

I have moved on. You walked away. so why do you keep coming back. Why are you not leaving my mind. Why are you not leaving my body?

You seem to live in every cell of mine.

But one day, every cell of my body will be replaced by another – That day, I will be free.

and fly, fly high above the clouds until you don’t see me again.

Lonely

Far from here, I see you standing
Smiles and fire within
My love, come to me.
I smile back, waving ferociously
But you seem like you don’t see me.
I walk closer to you cautiously
And soon realise you’re looking Beneath me
My love, come to me.
Time passes, dawn sets
Your smiles turn teary
I wonder why.. As I touch your chest.
You stare beneath me…
All my joy flee.
My love, come to me.
Tears racing on his cheek.
I try to touch your pearls.. As it passes down your cheek.
My emotions seem to leak.
For I see him in my heart, as he was someone true.
My love, come to me.
My heart breaks in million pieces as I see down.
Standing on my own grave, flowers sown.
A voice, I loved to hear, melted me.
His voice, “My love, come to me. “

can’t understand.

Why does it happen that when you start putting your guard down.

when you start giving in

when you start liking that person

when you start trusting that person

when you finally smiling

That they turn out different.

They don’t put that effort anymore.

They don’t do all that stuff they did before.

Why is that?

Then you get rejected again.

Then you feel upset again.

Then you build your walls again.

I hate it. I don’t understand.

I don’t like this feeling.

Moonlight

For your eyes shining under the sky

For the smiles under thousand stars

For the glitters from fireflies

For all the gifts and flowers

For jokes and laughs with thousands thoughts

For the beautiful time and consoled talks

For the kindness and inner beauty

For the blushes and loved kitties

For the milky way in delicious coffee

For the concerned emotion of safety

To all those rushed feelings have no answer but have a word

Thank you.

Thank you for the beautiful time and heeling slightly cured.

29-07-2021

“Sometimes the one asking for forgiveness is more hurting than the hurt one.”

I was child. Small child, when sudden evil things happened to me. And I acted like a child. Not to forget, a single child who loved her parents but also scared to offend them by the principles they had set.

I always thought whatever come may, this one person will be my constant – So I was free. Free like an insane person. She saw my childish crazy behaviour but with my demons as well. And I didn’t care. At least I didn’t care then.

And suddenly there were boundaries, anger, assumptions, hurt and I acted like a child.

Not victimizing myself, nor putting the blame on others. Yes, I did it. I played with fire and burned myself and her too.

She then walked out.

And I stood there, still peeking my head above, still unsure on how could she leave. I didn’t believe at first because – How could she go? We were best friends. Soul mates. We were gonna be buried together.

And I sat there alone, still looking at the way she went, knowing that she will come back and find me here.

But she didn’t. She didn’t come back.

The sudden silence slowly turned into panic and anxiety and I started running. Running to catch her, but she was long gone. The one belief I had within myself was broken. How could I do anything now? No one was there with me.

Few years passed, and I made few friends again, this time didn’t show my demons but just a tinge of my crazy behaviour and genuinely be good. It didn’t have the same feeling, I had for her. But I had something…and that had to be enough.

And out of nowhere, I see her again, with another. Like the way we were. Soul mates. Best friends. And my heart cringed. It squeezed it’s life out, that feeling wasn’t great. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks.

I know it was my mistake. I know it was my fault, but you weren’t supposed to leave. You promised.

She looked at me and asked, “How have you been ?”

I said, “Just the way you left me, but got a lot more sense”

She gave a rare look, “Good, I have moved on. So, I forgive you.”

I smiled, “I don’t think you have.”

She frowned in anger, “You hurt me! You fought with me! You did everything! So I don’t care about what you feel or what you care. I am just done with you, I have moved on. And I’ve forgiven you.”

I looked at her with tears, “Yea, I did. I did it. But I came running back to you every single time. I begged for your forgiveness every single time, I wasn’t perfect, I was far from it but you promised to be with me whatever may. But you left..”

She stood in anger, “Why should I forgive you all the fucking time and get hurt ? Enough is enough. You did this. So be it.”

I smiled as my tears flowed down, “Yea.. I did this, Hurt you. But I also loved you like crazy. Isn’t it ?”

She stood there in silence.

“I loved you like a mad person, no one was there for me. It was all you. You showed me how to be myself and get up if I failed. You had many friends, But me. I had just you. Only you. Yes, I fought, I acted like a child. But I came back. I always came back. But You..

You abandoned me. “

“What about that, huh?” I cried as she looked at me.

“And you know what, I am not jealous or anything.. I am just sad because I had it and I blew it and now someone else is standing with you which should have been me, So Yea, I am wrong and You’re right. And I am happy for you really, I am. Just a bit sad. “

She had tears too.

“But even though I have grown up, there would be a part of me that I would be scared to show to anyone because of what happened with us, I don’t have the strength anymore. Not after us. So once i leave, that part is gonna perish here, with you. “

And I walked away, feeling terrible but I had to walk away.

15-07-2021

How do I be brave when I am afraid,

Take a chance in your pride.

Waves calling me closer,

heart melting and mind cleanser.

He closed my eyes and headed me to the sand,

the soft musk sand under my feet and bright smile on my face,

I was blinded.

And then with all the love I had in my heart,

he threw me in to the sea.

Shocked and dismayed, I reached out for help.

But he just looked as I was pushed away.

I drowned, died and shattered to pieces,

But with time, I found all the pieces again, I managed to fix myself.

I walked out of the sea, and struck by his sight forth me.

I was angry. I was hurt but when he touched me,

I forgave and melted into his arms.

He held me and I kissed him lovingly.

He then closed my eyes and I trusted him, Again.

He took me back to the sea, the soft sand beneath my feet.

He kissed my cheek and I smiled.

He then pushed me into the sea.

I crashed on the surface, not asking for help this time.

As the heart couldn’t believe it.

I drowned, died and shattered to pieces.

With time again, I fixed myself.

And I walked out of the sea, into the moist sand.

This time, he stood again in front of me.

I walked past him, he turned towards me.

He said he loved me, touched me.

But I couldn’t feel anything.

Confused, I looked down at myself.

It was missing a piece.

I looked back at the sea, it shined through the waves.

I smiled, I am not going back in there.

And I walked away leaving the piece behind.

08-07-2021

Someone I loved,

turned away from me.

To see the oceans deep,

can’t be true and free.

Took me for a ride,

for the nights I did weep,

No control on numb feelings,

See the stars in the sky,

thinking about the days we smoked rings,

with cigarettes in our fingers and fire cry.

Loved the way you touched my wrist,

and licked my lips.

Someone I loved

turned away from me.

07-07-2021

I’m right here and you can’t see me

For the days, I believed you would stay

on others I felt, you disappeared

but I still ran in your arms on the street

But now you can’t see me.

My tears running down my cheeks.

You’re dancing in someone’s else arms.

And here I am standing alone, looking at you

For I can’t been seen in dark.

The red lipstick you wear now, I wonder how would it taste on your lips.

But I can’t.

For I am not alive.