09-08-2021

Sometimes things happen simply because that’s how things happen in life – unpredictable and quick.

We never know what would happen next, anything could happen. So I have discovered that whatever comes, enjoy until it lasts. Because nothing lasts forever, everything has an expiry date and one day it will no longer be the same.

I made a friend. I hated him at first. God, I hated him.

I fought and really got pissed with him and really stopped talking to him several times.

But soon unexpectedly, I smiled at his dumb texts. Unknowingly I laughed at his dumbness. I always wear a mask. I don’t show my true nature to anyone. I like to be tough. I like to be a confident woman, most the times I fail but I try my best. I don’t talk much to others. A loner, a sarcastic, a critic and grumpy lady.

But soon he became a good friend, someone I couldn’t stop talking to. Someone who knew me, maybe the masked lady.

And one day, I waited and checked my phone twice for a msg from him. And soon I realized, That he was one person I shared almost everything.

It was weird. And SCARY. I didn’t know when things became different. Fun became insecurity, Laughter became accusations.

Maybe I wanted him to be gone, Maybe I wanted to be the one I was before, the ruthless one. He didn’t quite understand me. And yes, he was gone.

And probably I did it multiple times that it didn’t matter to him anymore. Maybe he didn’t care about it anymore.

He was done.

So was I. He couldn’t be with me. Someone intense, emotional, sensitive like me. Definitely not.

But why did I feel, he could.

Therefore have fun while you can. Because everything passes away and you will be left with memories.

So make beautiful memories.

29-07-2021

“Sometimes the one asking for forgiveness is more hurting than the hurt one.”

I was child. Small child, when sudden evil things happened to me. And I acted like a child. Not to forget, a single child who loved her parents but also scared to offend them by the principles they had set.

I always thought whatever come may, this one person will be my constant – So I was free. Free like an insane person. She saw my childish crazy behaviour but with my demons as well. And I didn’t care. At least I didn’t care then.

And suddenly there were boundaries, anger, assumptions, hurt and I acted like a child.

Not victimizing myself, nor putting the blame on others. Yes, I did it. I played with fire and burned myself and her too.

She then walked out.

And I stood there, still peeking my head above, still unsure on how could she leave. I didn’t believe at first because – How could she go? We were best friends. Soul mates. We were gonna be buried together.

And I sat there alone, still looking at the way she went, knowing that she will come back and find me here.

But she didn’t. She didn’t come back.

The sudden silence slowly turned into panic and anxiety and I started running. Running to catch her, but she was long gone. The one belief I had within myself was broken. How could I do anything now? No one was there with me.

Few years passed, and I made few friends again, this time didn’t show my demons but just a tinge of my crazy behaviour and genuinely be good. It didn’t have the same feeling, I had for her. But I had something…and that had to be enough.

And out of nowhere, I see her again, with another. Like the way we were. Soul mates. Best friends. And my heart cringed. It squeezed it’s life out, that feeling wasn’t great. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks.

I know it was my mistake. I know it was my fault, but you weren’t supposed to leave. You promised.

She looked at me and asked, “How have you been ?”

I said, “Just the way you left me, but got a lot more sense”

She gave a rare look, “Good, I have moved on. So, I forgive you.”

I smiled, “I don’t think you have.”

She frowned in anger, “You hurt me! You fought with me! You did everything! So I don’t care about what you feel or what you care. I am just done with you, I have moved on. And I’ve forgiven you.”

I looked at her with tears, “Yea, I did. I did it. But I came running back to you every single time. I begged for your forgiveness every single time, I wasn’t perfect, I was far from it but you promised to be with me whatever may. But you left..”

She stood in anger, “Why should I forgive you all the fucking time and get hurt ? Enough is enough. You did this. So be it.”

I smiled as my tears flowed down, “Yea.. I did this, Hurt you. But I also loved you like crazy. Isn’t it ?”

She stood there in silence.

“I loved you like a mad person, no one was there for me. It was all you. You showed me how to be myself and get up if I failed. You had many friends, But me. I had just you. Only you. Yes, I fought, I acted like a child. But I came back. I always came back. But You..

You abandoned me. “

“What about that, huh?” I cried as she looked at me.

“And you know what, I am not jealous or anything.. I am just sad because I had it and I blew it and now someone else is standing with you which should have been me, So Yea, I am wrong and You’re right. And I am happy for you really, I am. Just a bit sad. “

She had tears too.

“But even though I have grown up, there would be a part of me that I would be scared to show to anyone because of what happened with us, I don’t have the strength anymore. Not after us. So once i leave, that part is gonna perish here, with you. “

And I walked away, feeling terrible but I had to walk away.

15-07-2021

How do I be brave when I am afraid,

Take a chance in your pride.

Waves calling me closer,

heart melting and mind cleanser.

He closed my eyes and headed me to the sand,

the soft musk sand under my feet and bright smile on my face,

I was blinded.

And then with all the love I had in my heart,

he threw me in to the sea.

Shocked and dismayed, I reached out for help.

But he just looked as I was pushed away.

I drowned, died and shattered to pieces,

But with time, I found all the pieces again, I managed to fix myself.

I walked out of the sea, and struck by his sight forth me.

I was angry. I was hurt but when he touched me,

I forgave and melted into his arms.

He held me and I kissed him lovingly.

He then closed my eyes and I trusted him, Again.

He took me back to the sea, the soft sand beneath my feet.

He kissed my cheek and I smiled.

He then pushed me into the sea.

I crashed on the surface, not asking for help this time.

As the heart couldn’t believe it.

I drowned, died and shattered to pieces.

With time again, I fixed myself.

And I walked out of the sea, into the moist sand.

This time, he stood again in front of me.

I walked past him, he turned towards me.

He said he loved me, touched me.

But I couldn’t feel anything.

Confused, I looked down at myself.

It was missing a piece.

I looked back at the sea, it shined through the waves.

I smiled, I am not going back in there.

And I walked away leaving the piece behind.

08-07-2021

Someone I loved,

turned away from me.

To see the oceans deep,

can’t be true and free.

Took me for a ride,

for the nights I did weep,

No control on numb feelings,

See the stars in the sky,

thinking about the days we smoked rings,

with cigarettes in our fingers and fire cry.

Loved the way you touched my wrist,

and licked my lips.

Someone I loved

turned away from me.

07-07-2021

I’m right here and you can’t see me

For the days, I believed you would stay

on others I felt, you disappeared

but I still ran in your arms on the street

But now you can’t see me.

My tears running down my cheeks.

You’re dancing in someone’s else arms.

And here I am standing alone, looking at you

For I can’t been seen in dark.

The red lipstick you wear now, I wonder how would it taste on your lips.

But I can’t.

For I am not alive.

06-07-2021

For I am, I think and for I think, I am.

Things revolve around,

yet find a chance to miss ya

See it and tell it to go away

but follows you never the less

then you decide to jump off a cliff

You closed your eyes and opened your arms to invite death

But something stopped you

You looked behind, It pulled your cloth with it’s teeth and brought you back to life.

And suddenly, It jumped on you while you fell on the ground

A smile appeared on your face and you touched it’s beautiful face,

And you walked Home holding it in your arms.

Maybe, I’m not that useless.

21-06-2021

Well, It’s a windy day and been raining for awhile. I like this climate. This one. Right now. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just pleasant, windy, breezy and cloudy. I like the occasional sun beaming but this weather just comforts me. It calms me down. Surprisingly, considering the fact that almost nothing comforts me nowadays.

I flip around my bed to gain some sleep, things wander on my mind endlessly. I tell myself – Shut up! Go To Sleep ! and it just gets worse. Then I do the most working thing – I start thinking backwards about the day. Every single detail that I did or said or went through and soon enough I’m asleep, counting works for most of them but then for me – I start getting competitive.

Funnily, the thing about being competitive is that we always wanna out do ourselves and it’s fine until you’re not getting effected in any bad way. Like for example, Getting that weight goal number. You do everything you can do to achieve that and then you do something totally outrageous – You take the wrong route, you stave and stuff like that. It damages you, That’s definitely not good.

Ever since I was a kind, I was a competitive person (at least that’s what I thought, But No) I thought I was competitive but I wasn’t, I was comparative. Yes, That’s right. There is a difference between being competitive and comparative.

Let me explain in simple terms, when you are competiting, you can compete with anyone or anything or even yourself without the repercussions of damaging yourself. But comparative is a dangerous game. It swallows you in this dark hole of comparison, making you want things what others have for the sake of them having it and being happy – in what you think is one dimensional. And truthfully, you don’t even know the whole story. They might not be even happy like you think they are. But comparatively you want that, just because you believe it. Understand ?

Comparative can make you compare things without measure. Like you own an electric bike and you see a RR or a BMW, you compare and you say – I’m gonna get that, and you do anything to have that. If you take the safe route it might take decades or if you’re lucky and smart and awesome in taking risks maybe in few years but if you do take the self destructive way, It can harm you. And if you do what everyone else is doing – working hard without risk – you will never be able to buy a RR, maybe on a death bed, then maybe you can. And what happens when you don’t get what you compared for ? (which is 90% of all times)

You get crushed. Your hopes start to fade way and you accept the truth – That you think is best for you. You play the victim. ‘It’s not my cup of tea, or even I can’t do this.’

But the secret is not being comparative but competitive. See, competitive is healthy. Because it’s within yourself. You can control yourself not others. That’s an easy start. Control, doing with measure. If you stop being competitive with yourself or even others, you stop growing.

Getting inspired or motivated comes from competition. Getting frustrated or even negativity comes from being comparative.

I was a comparative person ever since I was a kid. Not a competitive person. That’s what screwed me. And once I gained the knowledge of the difference between being competitive and comparative, I started learning. I started growing.

And now, it doesn’t make difference on what others are doing. What am I doing? Am I growing? What can I do different? That’s the question you should be looking at.

So be competitive, not comparative.

Seeya

Pink_eleph

14-06-2021

To the person who wants to see older posts, Don’t think I don’t know you’re being on my page for awhile. We have something called statistics. And it’s crystal clear on where you search for things on my site. (Damn, this feels amazing, to see and stalk ) empowering!

Anyway, You won’t find the older posts because I deleted them like in my memory. No. That’s not true. It’s still in my memory, just not on here.

Have you ever been texted for sugar baby ? I just got texted by a random guy for money and I am surprised how easy and casual it is to just bring out such conversation, like what is your favorite beverage or even movie. I think it’s so subtle rather than catcalling.

I laughed and blocked him of course. But this was definitely a first. I would remember this.

Anyway, Just wanted to say Hi to you.

Bye.

14-06-2021

“Life is tough. But it’s tougher, if you’re stupid. ”

Old friend called in some days back, it was sweet, short and slightly refreshing. Her voice was a bit dense, I imagined her voice to be softer like back in school, but I guess, I was just vain.

Felt better and it kept running my mind. What if some kind of ‘end of the world’ situation comes around and her only hope would be to contact me in order to save her? And I would wear my invisible cape around my neck and smile and say, “Come on.”

Save her, of course. And she would love me forever.

But. But. But.

She wouldn’t contact me because she is fucking smarter than me. In the most case scenario, I would be contacting her to save me. The dumb gets dumber. I’m just a stupid one getting through life, occasionally surviving.

She is amazing. Truly. High school was easy, like riding a bike. Except the bike was on fire, the ground was on fire and every fucking thing was on fire, because it was Hell. And she had the fire extinguisher, to save me, Like a true Super Hero.

I didn’t have friends, Fuck that. I didn’t even have enemies. All I had was eye balls looking at me when I entered the class room and doing their own thing once I passed their way. But she. Damn. She made her way through the fire like a true macho.

She might not even know the magnitude of her actions over me, but damn it was intense. She changed school for me. I was lone, filled with boredom, scholar (not much but sometimes) She just flashed her bright slightly crooked teeth at me and ate my fucking lunch ( that too, without my permission!) I was surprised at the audacity. But genuinely impressed.

I was a bitter, grumpy, focused, meticulous and aloof person, She just invaded my privacy like U.S invaded Afghanistan. It was a war, an explosion. And it didn’t stop coming. She hit me like that, every single day. Until my walls broke down slowly and I realized that I was smiling.

She doesn’t know this, of course. If I did tell her, she would tell me, “I really don’t know what to say.” And I would be like, “umm. Okay. “

But she is. The Super Hero of my life. The one person that invaded my life like a terrorist and shook my whole system. And now, she is disappeared. But I know she is saving someone right now, even though she doesn’t know yet, If not emotionally. Physically at least – She is Doctor. That’s how I know.

See you soon.

Pink_Eleph.

17-05-2021

City is in chaos, not because of the covid-19 but the storm that hit today. And it has been making it’s way all the way up to the western north. The costal regions have been most hit, so did my town. The storm has swept away few branches and few plastic sheets in the open, which were ironically kept to protect it from the rain.

Today, I laid down at the couch watching the thunderstorm and wandered my mind to nothing.

Well, not nothing but money, love. Then some more investment options. blah. blah. blah. what would I cook for this weekend. blah. blah. blah. decorate my bedroom, sorry, my family bedroom, which clearly I have to win a war to gain any permission to deal with it, blah. blah. blah. Lastly, love.

Then.. Nothing.

Zipped, Nada, Nah. Just the sound and me. I bought a dream catcher few days back, it’s one of those chandelier designs, strings of feathers beneath the actual dream catcher ring. Looks more like multi-colored chimes made out of feathers. Well, it’s a win-win situation, I don’t like sound that much. It’s annoying and irritating. But I do love the look. So it’s what it is. I thought, I could bring some color to these walls.

Anyway, I zoned out looking at my dream catcher blowing high sideways because of the wind and oddly, it was satisfying. I soon blanked out all my thoughts and felt peace.

and, I fell asleep.

Do you know sometimes when you don’t want to do anything, just stay still. That’s when sleep creeps on you ? It happens with me most of times, mainly because you are the most relaxed at that point of time and your mind is just……..Blank, nothing.

I permanently deleted my social media accounts two days ago, not that I was very active on it but because I really had no interest in it. I felt like I wanted to be alone, maybe just me. So I deleted it and I felt normal. Like doing the most basic thing to do. But mind you, I did not delete two apps.

One, WhatsApp – Because my work is closely communicated with my manager and my coworkers through this messenger, also keep in touch with my three close friends and second, YouTube. Hmm.. I like seeing cats. weird, I know. But I see a lot of cat videos and someday, maybe even have a cat. I see a lot of recipes for my weekend dishes, and mostly Asian dramas or even probably a book review.

I have been seeing Netflix a lot lately and I find it cool, there is some serious shit in there. I see thrillers, documentaries. No romance. I don’t see that bullshit anymore. Anyway, I’m reading harry potter again, I like it. Re-reading it actually.

My friend called me today, video called, to check in whether I am alive or not. Well, I haven’t been very vocal and she felt weird. I had been very straight forward and talkative in my college days and that kind of quality do not land you near guys. Rather, buddies.

So third year in college, I had all guys as buddies. Well, not all but they didn’t know me. So I think I covered every guy I knew. Coming to now, I don’t what happened, I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, most definitely that break up couldn’t turn me like this, I happen to believe that. But oddly the timings weren’t in the best interest of time.

I became quieter and more in my zone-kind.

And you would have known my now, I’m not very big fan of people and the way they behave. I am more of a observe from six feet kind person. I talk when needed to be and mostly to be polite, don’t wanna be a stingy person.

In short, I mask it well.

The anxiety and panic attacks have decreased for now. Thankfully. Depression comes in and out frequently. Health is gradually decreasing, mostly because of lack of exercise, well, I have no intention to. Which is a even more complicated problem.

anyway, see you soon.

Pink Eleph