Fear.

The weird noise of the fan on the pale grey ceiling. The weird smell. The weird feeling coming from the hosiptal I’m sitting in. Yes. I am in a room of a hospital writing on this blog now. So, my mom is currently gonna get operated in a few hours. And I haven’t seen my dad so tensed in his entire life. The coolest dad of the century was scared. Scared for his little brat wife. Yup. She is. But she is a lovely brat. My dad loves her with all the flaws, so does my mom. I think now it is not about love, its about seeing each other every morning and giving each other energy for the rest of the day. They have become eachother’s habit. They can’t live out each other anymore. It’s a need. So in a semi dark room with my mom on my side asleep on her bed. The room had one bed, a table with a jar of water, few magazines and another bed for me to sleep on. Surprisingly my mom wasn’t as scared at all. She was all cool. She told me before that “whatever is gonna happen it will happen for good. And i will be happy.” I was surprised at her positivity. I was kinda proud of my mom because she was all fearless and brave.

Were as me. I was scared but i never did let her know. I was all cool and confident front her and dad. But really? I was scared for my mom. She is just a need for me. I don’t think my dad or me could ever live without her. This thought scared me. We should be able to live without her. We were so depended on her emotionally that it scared me.

I guess. It is just a another fact to be believed on. And as people say..you will know when it comes. As i got ready to stay the night with ma. I took all the stuff with her. Her garments, her water bottle, her reports, her usual stuff. We prayed before leaving to the hospital, dad dropped us and had a talk with the surgeon..had done some formalities. Dad gave a kiss to mom. I think mom knew it. Ofcourse she knows dad more than anyone. She could sense the worry and fear coming from dad’s hug and kiss.

“I’ll be fine…don’t worry..i’ll see you in the morning..okay?” mom said with a sweet smile.

“Yeah…” dad replied with a fake smile.

And I was standing afar looking at them. Dad gave a nod of approval to take care of mom for the night. And i just walked towards him and hugged him and gave him a kiss.

“Good night dad. I’ll take care of her. You go sleep. I’ll see you in the morning” i said with a smile.

And as i said that i took mom with me , turning back waving bye to dad. Dad had left. We emerged in the room. Mom took the bed. And was talking to me when she fell asleep.

I sat there for a while. Spoke to my best friend. Shared my feelings with her. Saw some posts. My bestie had suggested me to write if I’m awake..

I just couldn’t sleep. So here i am ..my favorite thing to do. Write.

So I am kinda scared. But i gotta support mom. I can’t be weak front of her. So yeah…

Good night guys.

Be safe.

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Taking a leap.

‘What are you so afraid of!!!’ he asked me with frustration in his eyes, also desperation.

I just remained silent..not giving an answer to him. I didn’t know what to say. I had nothing to say. He really gave his all and i haven’t. I have nothing to say in my defense because i knew i had nothing more to defend my self with.

‘I’m sorry…’ i said softly sitting on my bed, bowing my head, fidgeting with my nails. My head heavy.

I felt a depression on my bed..he took my hand closed with his. “You don’t have to worry about anything..I won’t leave you like him. I won’t hurt you. I won’t cheat. I won’t leave your side. Dark, fair,thin,fat..whatever..never. I love you…you get it? And it’s not gonna change…okay?” he said these beautiful words and i felt tears flowing down my cheeks. I haven’t cried in ages. After HIM, I never cried ever. But today i did. And that was surprising.

“I can’t…” i said softly with tears rolling down on my cheeks. ..i removed my hand from his hold.

“Don’t do this…please. Don’t.” he said firmly yet with care.

I stood up with anger.

“I’m sorry okay!? I can’t do this anymore. Friends with benefits was working absolutely fine with us!? Why does love have to appear in this! ? Why do we need to have a relationship!? This was working fine with us..why the fuck are you doing this to us !? Why..!!..” i shouted at him.

“Because i fucking don’t care about myself but i have started caring for you. I Iove you when you sleep. I see you for hours when you sleep beside me. I thought i was fucking insane!!! Don’t you think this hasn’t drove me insane!!? Don’t you think i have stopped my self from loving you!? Don’t you think i have tried that before!!? I don’t care if you aren’t mine. But i can’t see you in anyone else’s arms. Do you get it?..” he said with fustration his hands ranged into fists almost punching his fists into the wall..he was so red with anger.

“Why don’t you fucking understand! ! That what i want from you is more than sex. I want love from you. Making you smile is my only happiness. Seeing you happy makes me smile. Why don’t you understand that when you cook i eat it no matter what it tastes like!? Why don’t you understand that when i hold you i feel like i am the most luckiest person in the whole world. I wanna be with you..now , tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after and all the days to come. I don’t fucking care about the price that comes with it. I still want you.” he said with lips pressed into a line. Like he just removed a whole burden from his chest. And he moved closer to me until there was no space between us. I just looked at him with surprising eyes. I didn’t know that he felt for me this way. I just heard those stuff standing there frozen . numb. Listening everything.

He really loved me.

He touched my cheek..and kissed me.

“Trust me…please..” he said with begging eyes.

“I love you..” i said surprising him. He looked at me as if he took a bullet.

“What..!? You have never told me this before..” he said softly.

“I know…but i do. I’m just scared.” i said looking at him.

“I know..me too. But i think everything is gonna be alright… Okay?” he said while touching my chin..pulling me for a kiss.

“Okay…” i hugged him.

And trusted him with all my heart.

Again.

You are no lesser.

Sitting in a dark room. Thinking of talking to someone. But nobody appears to my mind. Sometimes I think that why are we so dependent on people, specaily the ones you really care about? Sometimes I think why do we expect an approval of others for what we really are? Why? Don’t we know ourselves? We should right..? We should know ourselves more than anyone else. But still we use that phrase..”she or he knows me better than I know myself.” It is ironic how people point out your mistakes and figure you as that person without counting the good stuff you have. Not fair right? We always are so depended on others love, care and attention. Mostly me. I am a person who simply adores attention. It is really not good. It has really bad side effects. So it works like this. If you do get attention it doesn’t stop there, it increases .. You want more and if you dont get attention anymore , you shut it out. You either shut people out or shut yourself down. It’s a real dangerous feeling. Shuting down. You just become quiet. Me as a person have a very good and a rare quality. As I know of, is that I forget easily. So it benefits me and not others. So if I had a really bad episode with someone. I might be broken or sad but not for long.. In some time I instantly forget about the people and the incident. It’s like my mind has just deleted or erased a whole bad episode of my life. So that I can be happy again with out any remaning bad memories. I’m thankful for that.

People say that you are not who you really think you are but what others tell you. But my question is that why should they decide? I mean I am completely happy with my flaws and my traits…Maybe I will improve on my flaws on one-on-one basis..really make my self comfortable before doing something really different to my mind and soul. It’s gonna take time. And I will give time to myself. I won’t force myself to prove someone else. That definitely shouldn’t be the case. So don’t let anyone tell you how bad you are. Yes, you may have flaws and people telling you that..is absolutely fine. But don’t be too harsh on yourself. Improve gradually, Slowly..with love and care. Fuck everyone else who don’t underatand this fact. It’s you who needs to be focused on. Everything else doesn’t matter.

Let it be your parents or friends or best friend or boyfriend ….Don’t let anyone make you feel lower than yourself because darling you are a gem and all you need is a little polishing and vola! Sparkling diamond.

So focus on yourself. Improve yourself slowly gradually with love and care. And don’t be afraid. I repeat don’t be afraid. Because they too don’t have a fucking clue.

Late night talks..

Hmmm….la la la la…

I feel like getting lost somewhere…humming some of my favorite songs…with earphones stuffed in my ears…laying on my bed..looking at the ceiling of my room..putting my hands up..making gestures and shapes. No I’m not becoming insane.. I’m just being so relaxed… Relaxed. Do you know that feeling..when you realize that each and every muscle in your body is calm and relaxed. I feel that now.

With a cup of my favorite ice cream and songs in my head..(mostly Bruno mars..my fav). Just thinking that life is so beautiful. Only if we had the time to realize it. Stop from our busy lives and just stop for a moment…just calm yourself, sit and close your eyes ..and just breathe..in..out…in..out..

And things feel better. I realized it today. You feel better. Much better. A tip for anyone out there who is stressed or sad or depressed..listen to this song called ‘Everything I do, I do for you..’. It will change your mood instantly. Atleast most of the time, it did helped me. All I did was close my eyes and listen to this song and everything felt good..better again.

Anyway I had a tiresome day. All you guys out there..just give yourself a moment because you are worth it. Worth of time for yourself.

Just be calm and work towards your goal. That is what matters. Be happy. Smile. It will make your world more wonderful. Be positive.

Goodnight.

Nostalgia.

As I was reading a post on wordpress written by a weird friendship I had with person who is no longer in contact with me. I was thinking about him… Great intellect with amazing articulating skills. We met on tinder. Yes! You heard it right. We met on tinder. Few laughter and questions and answers. We decided to exchange numbers. We talked. Like I talked. He didn’t. He just answered. Answered all by answers to the point. Which is a bit furstating but I liked it. But as day passed, we grew busy in our daily lives. And conversations became lesser and equal to not talking. But he did give me something. Something that I will be ever grateful towards him. For life. He encouraged me to write here. Yes. On a blog. He appreciated me. Told me it was good. It is worth it. He gave me a will to write. Today I can convey my thoughts on such a big platform, it is just because of him. I thanked him. Today I feel free after writing. A sense of relief from all the stress around.

He is better writer. I hope he turns out to be writer even though he doesn’t want to.

Sometimes I think that some people come in your life for a reason. A reason good or bad. You don’t get to decide. But yes they do give you something , some give you laughter and happiness but some give you lessons.

This person has a great importance in my life. Even though we aren’t exactly friends because we don’t talk now. But his writings have always inspired me. And I will continue to read his blogs.

So Thankyou friend.

I will be eternally grateful to you.

Ma…

Ma is someone you can trust blindly…someone that when you come with a broken heart she comforts you.

Gives you your favorite food. Makes it for you. Just for you. When ever you are sad she makes funny faces and cracks lame jokes to make you laugh. Just for that one smile.

She will fight with you. Scold you. Get angry on you. But she will never leave the person who will upset you. She might murder that person who hurts. She is damn protective. She has the right to hurt you, not anyone else.

She would not take any bullshit for her daughter. She will support her through the toughest times. She will hold your hand. Tell you it will get alright. She makes sure it will be alright.

She is the smile to my tears. She is absolutely beautuful inside and out.

I love you ma…

And I always will.

Be with yourself.

Be with your self.

Don’t let anyone put you down.

You are enough. You are enough.

Don’t let them put you down.

Don’t let them make you a clown.

You are enough. You are enough.

Be happy with yourself.

You don’t need anyone but your love for yourself.

Love yourself.

Everything else will follow.

Trust yourself.

Be with yourself.

Nuture it.

And you will be surprised at the result.

Be happy.